NFL Sunday Quick Picks: You’re Hungover. Kickoff’s in 10 Minutes. Here’s Who to Take.

Somewhere on today’s slate is a bet you’ll wish you made and one you’ll wish you hadn’t. We have opinions on both. Let’s get into every game.

Washington Commanders (1–2) vs Indianapolis Colts (1–2) — 6:30 AM PDT / 9:30 AM EDT

The Brits get a treat with two mediocre teams in the Commanders and the Colts. Last time Jonathan Taylor played an international game he tore apart the Falcons’ defense in Berlin, scoring three touchdowns with 255 rushing yards. JT breaks out of an early-season slump and runs down the Commanders. Washington’s win last week was a fluke. Give me Colts.

Colts −4½ (−110)

New England Patriots (1–2) vs Buffalo Bills (3–0) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Bills. Patriots. Divisional Matchup. Nice. Josh Allen will steal more of James Cook's touchdowns. Drake Maye looks like actual dog shit. One passing touchdown and six interceptions through three games. Bills annihilate the Patriots at home. Next.

Bills −7 (+100)

New York Jets (1–2) vs Chicago Bears (2–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

The Jets look a lot better this year with Geno throwing the rock. Still bad though. No Breece Hall, either. Bears coming off a great win over Green Bay led by none other than everyone's favorite Unc Case Keenum. But the Bears continue to make questionable decisions and are going with Tyson Bagent instead. They shall be punished for such stupid decisions! Jets win.

Jets ML (+165)

Jacksonville Jaguars (2–1) vs Cincinnati Bengals (2–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Oh yeah. This game is epic. The Jaguars’ offense looks insane, with Parker Washington breaking out as a true WR1—15 catches for 221 yards and two touchdowns through three games—and Trevor Lawrence continuing to live up to the hype but the Bengals are, of course, equally as explosive with Joe Burrow and Jamarr Chase. Please be a super awesome high scoring all time classic. It’ll be close but I think the Jags are the better team. DUUUUVAL.

Jaguars ML (+120)

Arizona Cardinals (1–2) vs New York Giants (2–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Ick. Jameis Winston is the only reason I’m interested in this game. Great time for Jameis to have his annual insane performance where he throws for 400 yards, four touchdowns and six interceptions. Just for that, give me the Giants. Next.

Giants +2½ (−110)

Los Angeles Rams (1–2) vs Philadelphia Eagles (2–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Jalen Hurts has looked lost this year. Eagles offense doesn’t look like they're on the same page and DeVonta Smith is out. Rams should come out there with something to prove after whatever the fuck happened last Sunday night against the Refs… I mean Broncos. Rams revenge game.

Rams −3½ (−110)

Green Bay Packers (1–2) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0–3) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

The Bucs absolutely suck this season. Baker Mayfield is out which sucks for all NFL fans. Jalon Daniels is starting for Tampa Bay. Nope. Hopefully the good version of Jordan Love shows up. Packers.

Packers −3 (−120)

Tennessee Titans (0–3) vs Baltimore Ravens (2–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Derrick Henry.

Derrick Henry over 1.5 touchdowns (+214)

Dallas Cowboys (1–2) vs Houston Texans (0–3) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Texans are 0-3. Dallas… kinda sucks. Sorry Cowboys fans but it’s true. You suck again. Dallas has allowed seven passing touchdowns without an interception through three games. Nico Collins is back and he’s gonna help give Dallas their third L of the season. Houston wins!

Texans −3 (−110)

Miami Dolphins (0–3) vs Minnesota Vikings (3–0) — 1:05 PM PDT / 4:05 PM EDT

No Justin Jefferson. Jordan Addison and Aaron Jones should have some fun. Dolphins lose Achane for the year. Ouch. Time to tank for the second coming of Julio Jones, also known as Jeremiah “Heisman” Smith. Minnesota is going to be 4-0? Crazy.

Vikings −10 (−110)

Kansas City Chiefs (3–0) vs Las Vegas Raiders (3–0) — 1:25 PM PDT / 4:25 PM EDT

Wow Raiders. You know what. Good for you. The Raiders actually look competent this year. Cousins is slinging the rock. Bowers looked nasty in his season debut: 10 catches, 116 yards and a touchdown. Mahomes looks pretty good coming off an injury. Kelce is still annoying. This could be the game of the day. GIMME THE RAIDERS. C’MON. BROCK BOWERS DYNASTY GAME. Please. I need to win in fantasy.

Raiders +4½ (−110)

Denver Broncos (2–1) vs San Francisco 49ers (3–0) — 1:25 PM PDT / 4:25 PM EDT

Fuck the Broncos. Bo Nix ranks 24th in the NFL in QBR. This dude has a deal with the devil or something because he always finds a way to win. He’s basically a shittier Justin Herbert. I hate you, Bo Nix. Broncos lose. Go Niners. Next.

49ers −2½ (−115)

Los Angeles Chargers (0–3) vs Seattle Seahawks (2–1) — 1:25 PM PDT / 4:25 PM EDT

Chargers are genuinely painful to watch this year. But hey! Madison Beer. The Seahawks just somehow lost to the Commanders but they get back on track. JSN is a superhero. Sam Darnold is a ginger. The Chargers are 0-4.

Seahawks −7 (−115)

Detroit Lions (2–1) vs Carolina Panthers (1–2) — 5:20 PM PDT / 8:20 PM EDT

Imagine a bunch of NFL higher-ups sitting at a big round table in the offseason to create the Sunday Night Football schedule. Week 4. Chiefs–Raiders is right there. Rams–Eagles is right there. They land on Lions–Panthers. Why???

Luckily for us, neither defense has been stopping anybody. Detroit is allowing a league-worst 31.7 points per game. Carolina has the worst run defense in football and just lost both starting corners. Everybody should eat. ARSB. Chuba. Tet. Gibbs. Gibbs. Gibbs. Gibbs me the Lions.

Lions −3½ (−110)

Good Luck and Good Night.