NFL Week 6 Sunday Quick Picks: What Happened Last Night? Doesn’t Matter. Football’s On.

What happened last night? Doesn’t matter. There are 30 minutes until kickoff, your head hurts, and you’re about to trust us with another Sunday. Get your bets in. Here you go.

Chicago Bears (3–2) vs Atlanta Falcons (2–3) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Caleb Williams is expected back after injuring his hamstring against Minnesota in Week 2 and missing three games. The way he went down, I thought we were going to have to put him down behind a curtain like a racehorse. Thankfully, he lives. He’s annoying, but he’s good, and Chicago desperately needs him after whatever the hell that was at Lambeau. Give us the Bears offense we saw in Week 1. Bijan is awesome, though. Please tackle him occasionally.

Bears -1 (-110)

Baltimore Ravens (4–1) vs Cleveland Browns (3–2) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Cleveland’s 3–1 start is beginning to look a little fluky. Lamar is still out with an ankle injury, so Snoop Huntley gets another start. Baltimore won with him last week, and we’re trusting him to keep it rolling. This could be close depending on which version of Cleveland shows up. Losing to the Jets does not exactly inspire confidence. Ravens cover. Next.

Ravens -3 (-115)

New Orleans Saints (1–4) vs New York Giants (3–1–1) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

I fucking hate the Saints. I loved them coming into the season, and they’ve spent five weeks making me look like I watch football through a microwave door. There is talent on this offense. Please use it. The Giants, meanwhile, escaped last week with a tie after Washington forgot how to finish a football game. I’m still not a believer. New Orleans finally puts it together, wins, and tricks me into liking them again. Toxic relationship.

Saints ML (-110)

Tennessee Titans (0–5) vs Indianapolis Colts (2–3) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

God, the Titans are bad. Cam Ward is giving Tennessee fans reasons to research the draft before Halloween. At least Jeremiah Smith might be available next year. Tyler Warren is dealing with a groin injury, but this should be the Jonathan Taylor show regardless. Give him the ball until Tennessee figures it out, then give it to him again because they probably haven’t. A three-touchdown day would not surprise me. Colts cover.

Colts -6½ (-110)

Carolina Panthers (2–2) vs Philadelphia Eagles (2–3) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

The Eagles are falling apart. Jalen Hurts is on injured reserve with a blood clot in his calf. Seriously, hope he gets well. As for the rest of Philadelphia, I wish you continued failure. Carolina’s offense is fun when it remembers to show up, and we’re betting it does today. The Panthers are coming off a bye, while the Eagles are coming off another loss and an international flight spent staring at the seat in front of them. Give me Carolina.

Panthers ML (-170)

New York Jets (2–3) vs New England Patriots (3–2) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

The Patriots are unfortunately looking like the Patriots again. Drake Maye looks like an actual NFL quarterback, and the offense just hung 45 on Las Vegas. Disgusting development for everyone who enjoyed their little vacation from relevance. The Jets have improved, but let’s not get carried away just because they beat Cleveland. New England handles business at home. Patriots cover.

Patriots -7 (-110)

Pittsburgh Steelers (3–2) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1–4) — 10:00 AM PDT / 1:00 PM EDT

Here’s a spicy one. Pittsburgh loves turning a game it should win into a three-hour blood pressure test. Tampa just beat Dallas, which was very funny, and Jalon Daniels is a dawg. Still, Rodgers has the Steelers moving the ball, and I trust Pittsburgh’s defense to make the difference. Steelers win and cover, but they’ll make you swear you’re never betting on them again first.

Steelers -2 (-110)

Arizona Cardinals (1–4) vs Los Angeles Rams (2–3) — 1:05 PM PDT / 4:05 PM EDT

The Rams. The fucking Rams. I have lost years of my life watching this team. Last week’s kicking situation nearly had me punting my television through the drywall. They should come out looking for vengeance, but Arizona is a weirdly scary matchup. The Cardinals can move the ball, and the Rams can find new and exciting ways to keep an opponent involved. I like Los Angeles to win. I do not like trusting them with a big spread. Give me points.

Over 51½ (-110)

Buffalo Bills (4–1) vs Las Vegas Raiders (3–2) — 1:25 PM PDT / 4:25 PM EDT

This could be a good one. Josh Allen has been sick, but Buffalo’s defense has been generous enough to keep the other team’s fans watching. The Raiders got humbled last week, though Kirko Chains and Brock “Cock” Bowers should give them a chance at home. We’re asking Las Vegas to stay within a touchdown, not solve world hunger. Buffalo wins. Raiders cover.

Raiders +4½ (-110)

Los Angeles Chargers (0–5) vs Kansas City Chiefs (4–0) — 1:25 PM PDT / 4:25 PM EDT

The Chargers suck, and it feels so, so good. Justin Herbert gets to go home to Madison Beer, so I refuse to feel bad for him. The rest of the team, unfortunately, has to go home and be the Chargers. Now they get undefeated Kansas City coming off a bye. Two weeks for Andy Reid to prepare for an 0–5 team. Seems excessive. Chiefs roll.

Chiefs -7 (-110)

Dallas Cowboys (2–3) vs Green Bay Packers (3–2) — 5:20 PM PDT / 8:20 PM EDT

Actually a fun one, despite both teams being aggressively mid. Dallas can move the ball, but making the right decision at the right time remains an optional activity. Its defense isn’t helping, either. Jordan Love should have opportunities, and we’re trusting him to take them. Packers moneyline. Dallas fans can spend Monday explaining why this was actually a good loss.

Packers ML (-110)

There you have it. Eleven picks made with the confidence of a man who has learned absolutely nothing from his previous Sundays. Get comfortable, charge your phone, and try not to let a missed extra point change how you treat your loved ones.

Good luck. See you in the group chat.